mindfuck

usually happens inside my own head. Nothing surprises you as much as some things you just realize at desperate times. People would call that epiphanies, but these days, that word gets thrown around too much and too carelessly. So I refuse to think that what my head chooses to recognize “an epiphany”. The latest one that I experienced happened right after I felt deeply depressed because I thought I had fucked it up with people again. I felt like I was trapped under the compressing machine and that I would slowly be crushed to death by my own thoughts and paranoia. The major killer for me was that I always fuck up the same way. How I ruin things always happens exactly the same way and yet I don’t change.

Anyways, this time what I realized was that people never left me. I always left them. I never did anything that catastrophic, but in my warped mind, it was every bit good reason for people to leave me. But they never did. I always left first.

So now what.